Warning: The following article is a re-education for all music “artists.”
By J.Starr
I’ve noticed a tide starting to rise up in Rock music as of late, a vicious, grotesque plague flowing like a putrid blood parasite through the deformed veins of a Frankensteined genre turning its victims into helpless, zombie-like leapers. It resembles Rock but it’s not. It’s nothing even close.
It creeps up on its victims slowly, like a rolling fog and seizes their ears, beating them to within an inch of their lives. The plague I am speaking of friends is concept albums and they are slowly destroying your musical taste.
For some reason every “artist” currently in existence believes they possess the balls to make a concept album. It blows my mind that these bands think that they can just whip a concept out of their ass and it will be good.
Having a concept album in your catalog is a privilege. It's something you have to earn. It must be attained through years of dedication and abuse (drug, sex and/or alcohol) on the road. You have to have a string of both commercially and critically successful albums. You have to solidify yourself in the Rock world as an important band and most importantly you have to be simultaneously charismatic and enjoyably pleasing from a listening standpoint whenever playing live. A Stones cover also doesn't hurt. You can't just whip your dick out on the table on the second album and you definitely can't fuckin do two concept albums in a row. That’s a big Rock faux pa. Now with that being said of course, there are exceptions to all these rules. Just for example Pink Floyd but Floyd is always an exception.
The Beatles revolutionized the idea of the concept album with their 1967 masterpiece Sgt. Pepper's Lonely Hearts Club Band. An album so critically hailed by listeners and musical historians alike that I don't really have to say anything about it. It then moved on to Pink Floyd and Queen with The Wall and A Night at the Opera collectively. They ushered the concept album in to the 70's. In the 80's we saw an almost complete loss of the concept album. The 90's didn't yield much either. Then in 2004 it happened.
Green Day was one of the bands at the forefront of the 90's rock scene. They helped define the 90's musically and socially. They weren't the greatest musicians or singers, but they simply wrote good fucking music and that's exactly what made them so great. They are also awesome live, which, as we've already learned, is a key ingredient to making a concept album. It is fair to say that Green Day earned their concept album.
Late in the 90's their music was still successful but they looked as if they were heading towards the end of their career. Then in 2004, out of nowhere, just when we thought they were done, they reinvented themselves and released a thirteen track gutsy Punk Opera entitled American Idiot and suddenly the concept album (along with the current Rock scene) was revitalized. The album its self is actually not on my all time favorites list, however I did like a lot of the songs and I think it was sonically amazing and completely necessary for the time. Mui bien boys.
Unfortunately it was also the hit of crack that killed the Amy Winehouse. What, too soon? If you don’t know what that is, it’s kinda like the straw that broke the camel’s back only extremely drunk and loud…and British…and if you don’t know what loud is, it’s what happens when black people talk…hmmm, I must be black…moving on. All of the sudden every shitrock band in the world was like "Hey I got an idea. Let’s make a concept album. Green Day did it, why can’t we?" Oooh oooh, I know this one, pick me, pick me, Is it because you fucking suck balls? Could that be it?
There were some concept albums that were good at the time though. One was monumental and equally as good as American Idiot. It will be discussed now. Pay attention “artists.”
Just two years after the release of Idiot in 2006 My Chemical Romance released The Black Parade and it was a musical milestone. It is on my all time favorites list. I love this album. It is so Beatles-ish and delicious to the point of near perfection. Every song is amazing musically and lyrically. It is, and I don’t use this term like every other fuckin hack critic does, genius.
2010 vomited out The Suburbs by Arcade Fire. It was alright but overrated. Linkin Park released A Thousand Suns recently. It was also alright. I was proud of them for making something different I guess. Although I feel a more appropriate title would have been Chester Bennington and Mike Shinoda play and sing everything and still try and call it Linkin Park.
Alter Bridge released their third album entitled AB III. Clever title there guys, brilliant, really. This album was a waste of time and shouldn’t have even existed. Not doing anymore albums, however, is a great decision; I support you fully guys, reforming Creed and releasing a new album though, horrible idea. You’re too old, that whole sub genre has died, just stop. Dear Mark Tremonti, You’re gonna lose your guitar hero card if you don’t stop releasing albums full of fecal matter.
Every time I fart there's some new artist thinking that they can write a concept album. The fact is: it’s killing me. I’m going to die if it doesn’t stop happening. My doctor told me I have 10 albums to live. It's also quite annoying.
You know, it's a sad day in music when artists like Kanye West and Kid Cudi are releasing concept albums and I am using the term artist loosely. I mean what's next a Lil Wayne concept album? I'm sure it will be called My Life: Codeine and Diabetes or something stupid like that. All we need now is some trashy southern 70's rock band that nobody wants to hear new stuff from, make a new album and embarrass the entire southern portion of the country by calling it something completely Redneck and ignorant like God and Guns, oh wait Lynyrd Skynyrd did that already, sorry I forgot. I'm sure CMT's ratings shot up for a few months on that one though. They left out Nascar BTW. I mean God and Guns? That says it all doesn’t it. “That’s all we care about roun’ here, Gawd and Guns. We capitalize the word Gawd and the word Guns cause to us they’re equal. Hell, God and Guns go together like Copenhagen and Dr. Pepper, like missing teeth and tube tops.” Fuckin rednecks. I don’t know who’s worse as a culture Rednecks or Blacks. Dear God!
Why don't these artists get it? Having a few hits does not qualify you as being good enough to write a concept album. The concept album is an art form unto its self and you are not a good enough artist to do it, so save yourself the critical and musical mortification, yeah look it up bitch, and stop while you’re behind.
I neglected to mention Songs for the Deaf by Queens of the Stone Age from 2002. Fantastic album, especially if you’re consuming Shrooms. I wouldn’t know from personal experience I just know Josh Homme loves ‘em. I would like to try them though.
Now if you’ll excuse me I have to go smoke a cigarette. I love smoking after I fuck someone.
Thank you! Goodnight!
